So there’s an important question that’s been circulating over the last few months, and that question is, “What the fuck is the diminutive, Burton-esque albino, quazi-royal doing playing Catwoman?!”
I’ve had at least a dozen people tell me to give her a chance, and I tried. I really did. But I just… can’t… do… it… anymore. Sure, perhaps Little Miss Prada can pull off a dispossessed princess or a conniving bride-to-be – one assumes that said roles come more naturally to her – but Catwoman? Get the fuck out.
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| Seriously. Out. Get the fuck there. |
We can all agree that Hale Berry was a joke. Tacking ears onto a hooker’s uniform does not make you Catwoman. But even she, in all her full-fledged awfulness, had at least a semblance of sex appeal.
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| Luckily, the pants had understudied on Showgirls |
One thing little Anne certainly is not is sexy. Sure, she’s pretty enough, but sexy? There are shapely blouse catalogues with more appeal than her.
So, how sexy do you have to be to play Catwoman?
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| THAT sexy |
Sure, perhaps comparing her to Michelle is unfair. The woman basically invented sex appeal. You’d think, though, what with them knowingly casting a mouse disguised in a petite human suit, that they’d just up an sex the fuck outta that outfit.
Yeah, you’d think…
A bicycle inner tube is sexier than that. And what is with the ears?! Did they run out of funding and rob a six-year-old’s princess party? I’ve seen drunk bachelorettes covered in lipstick, toilet paper and fairy wings with more convincing props than that.
Ah, Nolan, you were doing so well…
2 comments:
Fact of the matter is that Nolan wanted a woman who could act or she'd get drowned out by the superb Batman cast and ruin the movie. This explains why Maggie "Suck a Fuck" Gyllenhaal replaced Katie Holmes when Holmes pulled out. That's not say he didn't have options. Charlize can act. Jennifer Connolly can act. Both would have made pretty decent Catwomen.
That being said, I think maybe we'll be surprised - remember we said the same things about Heath Ledger filling Jack Nicholson's boots and Ledger's performance stole the movie. Let's see what happens.
But.. Hathaway...can't... act. She is awful. In every possible way. With Heath, we already knew he could act. It was just a case of seeing how he would interpret the character.
Anne, on the other hand, prepares for roles by staring, unblinking, at her goldfish for three hours before giggling hysterically.
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