Giant Eagles a Threat to Scottish Children

I shit you not. This, apparently, is an actual concern.

Over a hundred years ago, the Giant Sea Eagles were hunted to extinction across Scotland. The reasons are still a little unclear, but we suspect it may have had something to do with how villagers prefer not to live in an area populated by eight-foot, bloodthirsty, coiled springs of razor wire, horror and death.

However, an attempt has been made to reintroduce the Sea Eagle to Scotland, a decision tantamount only to sitting down to tea with Sweeney Todd, grumbling over your five ‘o-clock stubble and then boasting about how delicious you are wrapped in pastry.

See the resemblance?

The Scottish government recently imported 14 of the carnivorous monsters and set them loose in the wild. In more recent news, the Scottish government has also lowered the legal drinking age to nine, done away with all gun control laws and added strychnine to the drinking water for that added zing.

What is concerning The Scottish Gamekeepers Association, however, is that the area isn’t quite wild enough. They’re claiming that the human population within the chosen area is too dense, potentially leading to a desensitisation of the eagles’ perception of humans as dangerous.

There have already been attacks on adult humans. The major concern is that, should the eagles lose their fear of people, they may begin considering the smaller worm-monkey embryos – more commonly know as children – as potential prey.

“Birdy wants hug-hugs?”

Yes, these birds are big and mean enough to carry of a small child, making them the most terrifying, uninvited thing to slowly circle Scotland since Mel Gibson’s Braveheart.

“You may take our oh God, what the crap is that?!”